The Birds and the Bees
by allPod
Summary: Ever wonder what Allen was like going through puberty? Furthermore, who do you think gave him ‘the talk’? Teenager!Allen Parental!CrossAllen


_I do not own D.Gray-man._

* * *

Cross stared at his apprentice who, in turn, stared right back at him. A small grin started itself around Cross's mouth, working its way to his ears until he was obviously laughing at Allen.

Allen tried a third time to say, "Master, I don't have time today to wash your co—" He slapped his hand over his mouth as his voice jerked in pitch again. The sudden lurch was…strange.

Cross waved Allen away. "Obviously, God himself doesn't want you to finish that sentence, so just go wash my coat, stupid apprentice."

Allen did not object for fear of his uncontrollable voice.

"Be careful with it!" Cross commanded over his shoulder before exiting the door for his daily visit to the best bar a town like this had to offer.

Allen examined the coat, but he didn't think he could muster the time today to do laundry. His schedule was jam-packed with his usual chores, and he was doing double overtime as a gambler to cheat money out of poker players—Cross had overestimated Allen's ability to keep up with his outrageous spending.

He'll just have to save the coat for tomorrow. Surely his master can endure two days without it.

--

Cross had taken great care in choosing his escort for today. The beautiful woman accompanying him to the bar was fitting for the job Cross was preparing to assign her.

Truth be told, Cross had always feared the coming of this day, being the wretched excuse of a father that he was. But luckily, the woman beside him would end all his worries at the first sign of "danger". Cross felt no shame in his methods of watching for _this_ kind of threat.

His schemes were effective, if not despicably conspicuous.

--

The next morning would be an appropriate example of his means of plowing out the warnings.

As soon as he awoke in the inn room, Cross threw off the covers and stared suspiciously at Allen's sleeping figure on the floor.

The apprentice had taken to a blanket as a makeshift bed on the ground, and that was what Cross had to check.

He grabbed a corner of the sheet and yanked the bedding out from beneath his slumbering pupil.

Allen jerked up with fright, eyes darting around for danger. What he saw instead was a very serious Cross examining his bed sheet. That in itself was scary enough.

"Master?" Allen sat up properly. "What are you doing with my…bed?"

Cross ignored the question, throwing the blanket back to Allen with a grunt. He looked relieved yet frustrated at the same time as he looked around for his usual attire. "Where's my coat?" he asked abruptly.

"Uh…" Allen fidgeted before replying, "I've hung it up on the coat hanger."

"You did wash it, didn't you?"

"I was a bit busy…"

Cross remained silent. "Do it today," he finally said.

Allen was too relieved about the normality of his voice to fret over why his master was so atypically lenient today.

--

The next morning was the same routine. Cross had woken up and immediately capsized Allen in his sleep.

The next few of days were much the same.

Finally, on the eighth day, something different happened.

Cross still scared Allen awake, but this time, he found the fruit of all his consistent check-ups. He stared at the wet stain.

Allen, now well-adapted to his edgy new lifestyle, continued his snooze.

Cross grabbed the blanket like a trophy, yet he held it away from him like a plague. This was it. This was all he needed to see. Cross tossed the sheet onto Allen, already walking out the door.

--

Needless to say, Allen was surprised when Cross jerked him up by the arm in the middle of the day, just as he was starting his gambling hunt for more victims.

"Master?" Allen wasn't sure what he did wrong.

"I want to introduce you to this gal I just met," was all Cross said.

Within moments, Cross had half-dragged Allen up to a gorgeous-looking woman waiting patiently outside the inn they were in.

"Helena," Cross said, using a completely different tone than the one he had a second ago. "This is Allen, the boy I told you about."

Helena eyed Allen sharply, wondering what she was going to do with her date's son.

"Well, I'll be off," Cross announced, releasing his grip on Allen.

"Wait!" Helena stared at Cross in disbelief. "You're really just going to throw this kid at me?"

"Remember what we talked about a few days before?" Cross asked.

Of course Helena remembered, but she had taken their conversation as some sort of sex joke.

Cross escaped before she could get another word out.

Allen was ready to race after his master to beat him with a stick. What was his master trying to do, leaving him unaccompanied next to an older woman?

Helena crossed her arms. Well, if Cross really had been serious about their conversation, she'll receive a hefty reward for doing this.

"Why don't we go for a walk?" she suggested, starting down the street.

As Allen lagged behind her, she asked, "Did you wake up this morning with a stain on your bedding?"

Allen's face turned a color of wine. He did, in fact. Allen had found it on his blanket, and he knew his master had seen. That was part of the reason why Allen had spent half the morning praying that his master would laugh himself dead before spreading the news.

Unfortunately, after hearing the woman's words, Allen knew that it were not so.

"Don't worry," Helena reassured, "it's completely normal."

Normal? To pee in bed even at his age? Allen could hardly believe it.

"It's not like you peed yourself," Helena continued.

Allen faltered a step. Not pee? Then what on earth was it? Drool?

As she realized how naïve this boy was, a morbid idea of a joke emerged suddenly in Helena's head. She was still a bit bitter about being ditched by Cross, so this was a chance of revenge. After all, a woman of her standards was not about to let a man get away with dumping babysitting duties on her.

"Before we go any further," Helena said with a smile, "we should talk about a really important matter."

Allen perked up at her words, staring intently into her eyes.

She nodded vigorously, indicating just how important it was. "Your master…is such a womanizer," she started.

Was that the "important matter" she had to say? Allen was already aware of that more than he cared to know.

But Helena went on. "Usually, a man his age would've settled down with a family, but the thing is, he's still single." She scoffed, "You know something is wrong with him if he's like that."

Allen already knew his master had issues.

"You should be careful from now on," Helena warned in a whisper. "How old are you? Thirteen? Fourteen?" Helena didn't wait for an answer. "You're coming to an age where you might attract unwanted attention."

In response to Allen's confused expression, Helena elaborated, "You might attract the attention of pedophiles. You know, scum who desire younger children because they are too sexually-deprived for their own good?"

Allen had no clue what "sexually" meant, but the way Helena said it made it sound like an undesired thing. And "scum"? That was definitely bad. But what was the point of dragging his master into this?

Helena waited for the boy's mind to finally click.

And it did.

Allen's eyes widened with alarm. "You mean, my master?"

Helena nodded, feigning pity. "Why don't I walk you back?" she offered, feeling quite satisfied on the inside.

Allen's jumbled thoughts scrambled to right themselves. First of all, why would his master do that? He'd always abused Allen! But wait, Allen realized. What if that was all just an act to keep Allen unwary?

Still, why didn't he assault Allen sooner? He had all this time before. Allen's mind jumped from logic to irrational conclusions again. Maybe he was just waiting for Allen to mature enough, just like how a butcher would raise a pig before he guts it?!

Before he knew it, Allen was back at the inn again, sooner than he would've preferred. As Helena, his only source of protection, left, Allen felt suddenly lonelier than he had in quite some time.

--

Cross returned to the inn in a relieved mood. The huge weight of Allen's puberty had finally been lifted off his shoulders Helena would've taken care of it.

Allen's nervousness around him was dismissed as the uncomfortable feeling kids had after learning about _that_.

--

A couple days passed, and, instead of being tossed awake in the morning, Allen simply didn't sleep. He was too busy scouting for himself.

As his master left, he listened for his footsteps to fade before Allen dared to move.

It carried on like this until Allen was so restless with paranoia that he almost lost in poker.

And, whether it was the aftermath of fatigue or some more logical reason, Allen woke up one morning feeling ready to slaughter a whole crowd.

It didn't help that the first thing Cross did was to start shouting orders. "The innkeeper is bothering me about the bill again, so you'll have to work harder on collecting money. And my coat got a stain on it last night. Wash it."

Allen glared at Cross and growled, "Why should I bother with your debt, huh?! For once you should just get off your fat ass and work!"

Cross lifted an eyebrow. Well, this was new. "Listen, kid. You're gonna do as I say 'cause I took you in, got that?"

"No! I don't get it! Any debt I owed to you has been overpaid!" Allen yelled, jumping to his feet. "What the heck do you do at night besides drinking? Why don't you take some time off to wash your own coat?!"

"Because I'm busy socializing," Cross replied calmly.

"All you do is flirt with women," ranted Allen. "You should do the world a favor and retire, you old fart!"

"Old?" Cross turned his eyes on Allen. He couldn't decide whether he was amused or irritated. Allen's rebellious tirade had been a fresh change from the boring, submissive apprentice he knew, but calling him old was going too far.

But Allen wasn't done. His doubt of his master was bending him to the point of breaking.

"And that coat!" Allen glowered at it. "Do you have any idea how long it takes to wash that thing! I just washed it last week, now it's your turn!" Allen threw the coat at Cross's feet.

"Pick it up!" Cross ordered.

"No!" Allen yelled back.

"I said pick it up!"

"I said no!"

"You little piece of shit!" Cross roared, picking Allen up by his wrist until the teenager's feet dangled a few inches off the ground.

"No!" Allen thrashed around, fighting to escape.

"What's the matter with you, Allen?!" Cross cried, exasperated.

"Don't touch me, you pedophile!"

"Pedophile?!" Cross bellowed, too confused to say much else.

Allen didn't seem to hear him.

Cross dropped Allen on his bed, glaring at his idiot of an apprentice. "Do you even know what a pedophile is?!" he demanded.

Allen returned the glare, quoting Helena, "Scum who desire younger children because they are too sexually-deprived for their own good."

"And do you know what 'sexually-deprived' means?" Cross jeered.

Allen hesitated. "No."

"It involves sex."

"Sex? As in, gender?"

Cross rolled his eyes. "No… Sex is how babies are made."

"So…it's some sort of medical procedure?" Allen wondered if he sounded as baffled as he felt.

"…Something like that."

No enlightened look crossed Allen's face, so Cross continued, "Sex is what happens after a gorgeous woman and a handsome man indulge in aged wine until they could barely remember their own names. Luckily, they don't remember much else after that either." Cross shrugged. "Most of the time," he added.

Allen shook his head in suggestion that Cross was still being too vague. "You told me _when_ sex happens, but how does sex actually work?"

For the first time in his life, Allen witnessed the rare sight of his master squirming with discomfort.

Cross had paid Helena to give the sex education, but she had obviously been inadequate. In fact, Cross wouldn't have been too shocked if Helena was the one who had fed Allen that load of pedophile nonsense.

Cross chose his words carefully, but even then, his phrasing would've had many mothers slapping him for his blunt manner. "Allen, you know that thing you have right here?" Cross gestured between his own legs. "Well, at the same spot, a woman has something different."

"What do you mean different?"

Cross sighed, cursing Allen for his curious nature.

"It's like this," Cross explained after thinking it out a bit more. He was confident that he had it this time. "The woman is the lock, and the man is the key. Together, they unlock a door to new things. That process is called sex." Cross refused to mention how literal he was being.

Allen comprehended the lock mechanism. "So what things does sex unlock?"

Cross had an easy answer to this one. "It opens a door to nasty little brutes called babies."

"Oh, I guess that…" A yawn drowned out the rest of Allen's words. Now that his master had settled all his confusion and fright, Allen was exhausted to the point of collapsing.

Cross frowned. Maybe he had been pushing the kid too hard. "You get the day off today, Allen. So catch up on some sleep."

Allen began crawling towards his caricature of a bed when Cross intercepted him. "You can use my bed, okay?" Cross pointed to his pillow and poked Allen's head down to it.

Cross began his leave out the door when Allen's drowsy voice stopped him. "Master, you promise you're not a pedophile?"

Cross chuckled. "I would hope not. Even if I am, you don't have to worry about it."

Even in a half-asleep daze, Allen still had enough curiosity to ask, "Why's that?"

Cross sighed. "Haven't you been listening to anything I just told you?! A man can't unlock anything without a woman!"

"But didn't you say nasty little brutes are unlocked? So…why would you want to unlock it?"

"That's why you never have sex until you're sure you're gonna die the next day. Remember that!" With that, he stormed out the door, carefully slamming it shut.

Cross was somewhat worried that he might've pointed Allen in the wrong direction, but the kid should turn out all right. He always does.

--

Within hours, Cross had hunted down Helena and was demanding to know her reason for spawning so much trouble.

She immediately requested to see the boy so that she may personally apologize, and Cross, who refused to relay a message to Allen, tolerated that.

Allen, feeling reenergized and a bit guilty, had begun washing his master's coat in a little form of an apology. Cross didn't complain about that as he and Helena approached.

"Allen," Helena said tenderly, "I want to apologize."

She fiddled with her thumbs before continuing, "I was mad at your master, so I told some lies. I shouldn't have done that." Then, in her own defense, she went on to say that she had no intention whatsoever of sabotaging the relationship Allen had with Cross.

If she'd thought that would help, she was dead wrong, because Allen simply replied with true bewilderment, "What relationship?"

Cross pondered the same thing. Just what kind of whacked up relationship did he share with Allen?

* * *

_Not yaoi. If it felt like it, tell me why. It's not that I mind it, but I just can't imagine Cross and Allen…_

_Anyways, I squeezed in as much humor as I can offer. Cross's morbid explanation along with Allen's fear contributed to the funny effect, right?_

_BTW, has anybody else posted an idea like this? 'Cause I'll delete mine if you want me to._


End file.
